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口述/沉重的贝壳    整理/夏莫

婚姻有时如一把枷锁,牢牢地套着两个人,在仅有的范围内相爱、吵架、浪漫,时日之久,让人生腻却无法割舍。

我与小璐的爱情,在经历了七年之痒后,迅速凋谢,病入膏肓。小璐渴望当母亲,而我却无能为力。吃了很多药,看过很多医生,但痛苦却一直在沉淀着积厚。刚开始,小璐安慰我,不急,还年轻,以后可以慢慢来。相信我们会有一个可爱又健康的孩子。

三年过去,她急了。她开始关注高龄产妇的风险,害怕错过最佳的生育年龄。于是开始想尽法子的折磨我,有时,一夜两次。她像一只野蛮的小兽,在我的世界里嘶叫。

一个男人的自尊,是有限的。当一次一次的失败,让我渐渐开始怀疑自己,再到恐惧夜幕降临,再到害怕各种聚会社交。

这段时间,我和小璐争吵不断,却又在吵完后,互相舔着伤口安慰着彼此。用我们的爱情,安慰着彼此,以后一定会好的。以后的以后,慢慢,又过去了两年。小璐终于按捺不住,这时,她已经二十七岁。她提议出去医院试管生娃。内心挣扎了一段时间,我还是同意了。

但是,小璐却两次自然流产。医生说我精子较弱,宛如晴天霹雳。小璐调养了一段时间的生子,她对试管生孩,已失去了信心。这时,我提出了离婚。她却泪眼看着我,说,我们不是说好了要一辈子在一起吗?这个问句,让我想起了以前我们相爱的时光。

那么甜蜜,那么肆无忌惮。在去年,小璐突然提议说,想要借精生孩子。尽管我非常渴望有一个孩子,但我却不赞同她的提议。以后那么长,谁知道会发生什么事。且,辛辛苦苦养育的孩子,看着他一点一点的长大,却不是自己的。那种心情,想想都觉得酸痛。

但小璐固执,她执意要这样做。隔三岔五就在我耳边吹风说,那个人绝对靠得住,以后也不会有什么牵连,他们是发小,从小一起长大,感情也很好。这个秘密,他也绝对不会对任何人说的。

小璐见我不同意,竟将这个提议告诉了我妈。我妈身体一直不好,渴望抱个孙子,没有想到她竟然同意了她的说法。说,可以先生一个,以后可以慢慢再去生我们的孩子。一家人如山一样,开始劝说我,压抑和隐忍成了我的生活元素。

没有办法,我妥协了。小璐怀孕后,顺利生下了孩子。但是我没有想到,她的发小经常来我家看望孩子,比我还热情。我吃醋,小璐就说,人家也是有贡献的,看看是应该的。可我看他们在一起有说有笑,逗着孩子,更像一家人。更为严重的是,小璐常留他在家中吃饭,还给他夹菜,并且擅自做主让他做孩子干爹。

有时,她喊他,会省略一个字:孩子他爹,快过来。我冲过去时,他早已接过了孩子抱在怀里哄着,我感觉尴尬至极。这样的婚姻,变成了像地狱一般的让人难受。这段婚姻,随着这个孩子的出生,慢慢凋零了,而小璐却毫无察觉。


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